Finding the right partner (in life and climbing) can be difficult. As with selecting anything in life, it comes down to clarity of purpose. You need to know what you want in life. But that can be tricky.

Young male rock climbers search the land for the Holy Grail of partners, the mythical creature known as the Compliant Sex Kitten. This highly supportive vixen goes along with just about any of your training and lifestyle choices.

You want to go boulder with your bros rather than attend her grandmother’s 90th birthday party? No problem, she’ll make an excuse for you.

You want to move into your Craggin’ Wagon with her and tour the county hitting all the climbing hot spots while she works full time supporting your dirtbag lifestyle? No Problem, she’s happy to support you.

All your buddies bailed on you, but you still want to head out in a torrential downpour and you need her to come and belay you in the dark? No problem, she even brought you snacks.

For some reason, this is every climber’s fantasy. But like any mythical creature—leprechauns, unicorns, Santa Clause—the Compliant Sex Kitten doesn’t really exist. There is perhaps only one unconfirmed case that I can think of, but as tempting as it sounds to always have your needs met, this isn’t the point of life. You should be in service to others, particularly your partner (see post on Happy Wife, Happy Life).

By getting a partner who enables your boyhood fantasies and lets you get away with all of your shenanigans, your development will be wild and out of control, like a fruit tree that has never been properly pruned. In order to develop from a man-child into a real man, you’ll need a little responsibility. And the only way to do that is to learn to care for someone other than yourself (and the steady pruning hand of a harsh but fair wife).

There is also the male equivalent of the Compliant Sex Kitten.

Some ladies have a fantasy of a man who is as ripped as Brad Pitt in Thelma and Louise. I know it sounds great, but that’s not entirely thought out. In order to achieve that physical ideal, guys have to spend more time the training than hanging out with their lady. Really, they have to spend more time training than doing just about anything else.

So when I coach women on picking men (based on physical appearance), I’ll tell them if they are actually looking for a partner to BE with, to cuddle, and curl up on the couch and watch movies with, then find yourself a sweet, round dough boy with a stable job. That way his attention is on you.

You may have to remind yourself from time to time that fantasy is not reality.

You have to ask yourself what you really want from a partner, and from life for that matter. This sort of clarity will help you when you’re looking for your partner. Write down the characteristics if need be. Then you’ll know as soon as you see it.