I am extremely fortunate to have an amazing, beautiful, and understanding wife that puts up with my shit (and in this case I am talking primarily about my demanding training schedule that takes me away three nights per week).

So I try to make the rest of the week special—whatever she wants (to a point).

The other day, I had already left for the climbing gym when my wife noticed that we were having some plumbing issues. Shit only rolls uphill if you work in government or if there is a clog in your plumbing, causing everything to backflow to the lowest point. She spent two frustrating hours trying to plunge and repair the toilet. Panicked with the impending thought that she would soon have to use the toilet again, she skipped dinner so she wouldn’t have to go.

I didn’t see her missed call until I was heading home, but after calculating transportation time, and my evening routine, I knew that there was no way I was going to be able to get to this emergency until after work the following day. I broke down her options for her: she could go outside with the dogs or she could get a 5-gallon bucket. I was trying to be cute, keep it light, but she was well past the point of humor.

The next day, I came home ready to tackle the problem as promised. I suited up and fought my way under the house, opened the drain pipe and cleared the clog. And I did it with a smile on my face. That’s love. Whatever it takes to make the lady happy. And really, when it comes down to it, it doesn’t take much. My guess is that a lot of advances in modern society—indoor plumbing, electricity, garage door openers, and other modern appliances—may have been built by men to keep their wives happy.

I’m happy to make the wife feel good, because she lets me be me, train as much as I do, do what I do, and become a high performer.

So if I can provide basic needs like security, a home, food, and heat (with a fire), as well as advanced needs like emotional support, time together, talking, shopping, making her laugh or smile, or encouraging her to pursue her interests that fulfill a deeper purpose and meaning such as advanced degrees, continuing education, or artistic ventures, then I am happy to make those opportunities a possibility.

In the delightful movie Bride and Prejudice (a Bollywood version of Pride and Prejudice), they break out in dance and sing, “There’s no life, without wife.” Man! This is so true. I would still be a filthy dirtbag, rolling around in the dirt if it wasn’t for my wife.

She takes care of me, and makes sure that my needs are also met. There’s a reason that sayings like, “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy” or “Happy wife, happy life” exist.

The key is to create a positive reinforcing loop: she does something nice, so I want to do something nice in return, and round and round it goes. (And people say that a perpetual energy device can’t exist.)

Compare this to its opposite—the negative reinforcing loop—where someone does something bad to you, and rather than helping, everyone adopts a negative attitude: “They’re on their own. Why should I help them? If they screwed me over, I should screw them over.”

There’s no getting out of this nose dive. If one doesn’t make the effort to stop the cycle (actually, it will take both of you to effectively stop it), eventually the relationship will crash.

Shawn Achor, positive psychologist and author of The Happiness Advantage and Before Happiness, is big on the Losada line, which is the positive-to-negative ratio required for successful relationships. In professional relationships it is 3:1, but in personal relationships it needs to be a 5:1 ratio. Meaning for every negative interaction (criticism, insult, critique, or attack) there needs to be at least five positive interactions (recognition, gratitude, acts of thanks, and so on).

You have to actively work at your relationships if you want to be successful. Just like in the post on Showing Up, relationships are not passive, they are not attendance based. They take work and participation. You need to be an active member, show up for her, take care of her, so she can take care of you.

“There’s no life, without wife.”